Paul McCartney continues mid-life tirade; forgets who he is

Former Beatle "starts" grunge band with friends in longstanding effort to feel young again

Adoring fans cheer 'Macca' after his bloody disposal of a stage rusher

Image: 'Oh Yeah! Paul McCartney first time visit to Uruguay!

 | ON THE RUN+-+South+America+Tour+2012+|+120416-9769-jikatu' 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/7221539@N06/7083031415

Doddery old man Paul McCartney has ticked another box on his 'list of things to ward off thinking about my inevitable demise' by forming a new band.

The band will consist of the 'Elaine Rugby' singer and "mates Dave and Krist" and are due to start practicing imminently in his garage. McCartney was quoted as saying he wants "to experiment with his normal musical output, maybe put out something grungey" in a recent interview with the band, at which point his bandmates shot each other worried looks. Unaware of their concern 'Macca' added to this, saying they had already written a song he tentatively titled 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' and were working on a few more.

During one of McCartney's frequent toilet breaks during the interview, drummer and 'Nicest Man in Rock' Dave voiced concern over the 'Band On The Run' singer's current state of mind:

"It's strange, he keeps asking us where Courtney is and goes on and on about how the Beatles were such a big influence on his music." 

At this point bassist and exceedingly tall man Krist chimed in, saying "that last one gets really weird in interviews... Honestly I don't think he knows what's going on most of the time".

McCartney returned but soon had to leave, stating he "had to dash off to buy an ill-fitting cardigan before a meeting with Sub Pop Records".

Jack White states obvious; garners little attention

Former White Stripes man hits out at the state of music today during recent interview

Jack White in concert, wearing nothing white or stripeyImage: 'Jack White' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/99278318@N00/963441003

In an uninspired attempt to attract media attention after his latest album wasn't heralded as the most influential thing since ever, Jack White (whose album 'Blunderbuss' was released this year) has leapt on the bandwagon of criticising the style over substance approach of modern pop stars. The 'Sticky Thump' singer spoke specifically about Queen of Controversial Things Lady Gaga, making painstakingly evident observations in doing so.

  Describing the disco-stick-riding singer's persona as 'all artifice', White (whose album 'Blunderbuss' was released this year) seemed to be attempting to both mask the patently apparent nature of his comments while endearing himself to the pretentious. However, his plan was foiled when the music media as a whole rolled their eyes, let out a loud "Duh!" and returned to their daily routine of taking bribes from record labels and drinking tea.

'Thermos' flask and new 'Thermos' pitcher, available in
 all good stores and probably out of the boot of Jack White's car
Image: 'Orange & Black Vintage Thermos Flask and+Pitcher+Set' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/42573918@N00/8095538757

   Reaction from the few members of the public that stumbled across the interview, in which White (whose album 'Blunderbuss' was released this year) also talked about the unpredictability of the weather and how 'Thermos' flasks keep hot things hot and cold things cold, was no different. Caitlin Jones, a four ("and a half!") year old girl, had this to say:

"So this guy is saying that Lady Gaga is just putting it on or something? I suppose he's going to break the news that Nicki Minaj is her sister and arch-nemesis any day now..."

   Her dog, a Shih Tzu called Mr Cuddles, declined to comment but did let out what appeared to be a contemptuous sigh.

Christmas songs of 2012: Our Top 5

Christmas spirit is big this year in the music world, with several artists releasing singles to help us all get in the mood. Here are our favourites:

5. Linkin Park - 'Burn The Christmas Pain Falling'

Although the song develops into what Mike Shinoda optimistically calls "an extremely creative and original dubstep tune", it begins with quietly with pained piano chords and the amazingly-nasal voice of Chester Drawers who sings meaningfully:

"Look at what we've caused / The snow covers / The ashes of a world we've left behind"

We emailed Linkin Park in an attempt to clarify the vague-environmentalism in the song, but the reply only told us that: "We expect [the single] to sell well. We don't need websites people don't even visit emailing us to try and make a point."

4. Mumford & Sons - 'Home-Made World-Weary Christmas'

A popular choice at the MME office party, Mumford & Sons once again show just why they are one of the biggest bands right now, with wonderfully harmonised references to wearing cardigans by the fire, presents under the tree, and looking like a cunt.  

3. The xx - 'Xms'

Taking a more solemn approach, The xx use sparse instrumentation and tragically beautiful lyrics to show the pain of being alone at Christmas, a celebration they then cleverly show to be an unnecessary social construct anyway. One of the most innovative acts around.

2. Lady Gaga - 'Christmas Freakk'

As ever with Lady Gaga, much of the song's appeal lies in the video, with her 'Santa is dead' reindeer-burger-infused outfit being one of the most controversial things the singer has done all year. Elsewhere, the song contains several particularly un-festive digs at her sister and arch-nemesis Nicki Minaj.

1. Kate Bush (ft. Stephen Fry) - '50 Words For Snow'

Kate Bush is where music begins, 

Kate Bush is where music ends.
This song was released in 2011,
But it is constantly being released in the present.

A Christmas Miracle: Dave Grohl

On a dark winter's night in Warren, Ohio,

A baby was born, but he did not cry! Oh

For he learned to sing before he could talk,

The baby, Dave Grohl, the saviour of rock.

Anon, traditional folk song

The story of the end of Nirvana is well known, as is Dave Grohl's subsequent reincarnation and ascension to the 'Nicest Man in Rock'. For almost two decades we have enjoyed the nice music of the Foo Fighters with its predictable solidity and bland magnificence. But what of the great man's origins? Well maybe there is a Christmas story for us...

David Guetta accidentally releases Calvin Harris track as his own single

Calvin Guetta
Image: 'Digital DJ' http://www.flickr.com/photos/51035555243@N01/308985250

Oh that's just a stupid headline, they don't sound anything alike.

Rihanna takes up strong domestic abuse policy

New album 'Unapologetic' backs the use of force to bring women into line

Rihanna sitting on her massive sexual innuendo cannon Image: 'rihanna' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/58820009@N05/6216797512

The new album is seen by many as an bold attempt by the Australian singer to distance herself from mad feminist Beyonce while still maintaining the edge that will allow her to compete with twin sisters Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj for 'Queen of Controversial Things'. Rihanna has dismissed these claims in interview however, saying that "this album isn't about sales, it's about getting an important message out to couples everywhere. Sometimes we women need to be shown our place in a relationship and I believe, if savage enough, a beating can really help"

Rihanna in her downtime, probably shouting at some
woman on Xbox to make her a sandwich
 Image: 'Rihanna "Game With Fame" on Xbox Live' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/66327609@N00/134939589

While the first single from the album, charting-topping 'Creamy Buns', has stuck to the previously very popular Rihanna formula of salacious suggestion and misquoted children's rhymes, the rest of the album moves into far darker territory:

"Your love hit me to the core, I was fine til you knocked me to the floor" 

"This bruise on the right side of my face, takes me back to a special place"

"Could we become love's persona?"

These are just a few select lyrics from the album, the last of which comes from Chris Brown duet 'Nobody's Business (So Keep Your Nose Out, Mate)' and only one of which has been completely fabricated.

One Dimenson to make 3Direction film

And we here at MME can't wait to see dreamfloat Harry Styles up on the big screen

The 3D effect means it is like the other One Directions have jumped out and are hiding behind you
Image: 'one direction 299' http://www.flickr.com/photos/29103849@N00/6697622121

The film, which is to be made by Disney, is set to be released next year and will include a "Lads On Tour" section, featuring some of their wildest stories, such as the time Niall told twitter:

Just seen a guy pulled in on the M1 right on the start of a slipway! Just goin for a wee where everyone can see him ! Not even hiding

Hahaha! With banter like that, we can't wait to see the full 192 minute long feature film. Sad news though for fans who were hoping to see some of Disney's most famous characters: a spokesman said Mickey Mouse won't be making an appearance, although he did offer us some excitement by promising that it will be "lightsabers all round".

Although plot details have yet to be announced, a 'Harry Styles Dreamboat' Disneyland ride has been revealed, with a section on the Disneyland website reading: "Let Harry's log flume take you on a musical adventure of pounding rhythm but, watch out, you'll get drenched at the end!"

The 'Harry Styles Dreamboat' ride will be aimed at ages five and up. 

Review: 'Our Love Has Solar Equinoxed' by Muse

Not content with just releasing album 'The 2nd LAWL' this year, Muse have put out a new single as part of the Breaking Dawn Part 2 soundtrack, but is it any good?

Matt Bellamy doing a guitar playing
Image: 'Matthew Bellamy' http://www.flickr.com/photos/14726595@N02/1632910575

We really enjoyed 'The 2nd LAWL', so we were a little disappointed when we heard new single 'Our Love Has Solar Equinoxed', which features in the final instalment of the Twilight franchise. 

The clear move tie-in sound effects of wolves howling and vampires vamping gives way to a synth chord riff, which bears more than a passing resemblance to Queen's 'A Kind Of Magic', before moving on to a chorus which sounds a lot like something Queen might have written around the same time as 'Flash'. The lyrics are instantly recognisable as Muse, with the chorus containing a revolutionary call against the New World Order:

"We must stop them / End their reign of terror / But our love has solar equinoxed."

Although this is all very Muse, it is also quite reminiscent of some Queen songs such as 'Fat Bottomed Girls', although singer Matt Bellamy seemed completely unaware of this in interview when he said: "It's actually got quite a INXS-U2-R.E.M.-IDM-IBM- MFI-IKEA-funk-punk-pop feel to it, just this sort of feeling of oppression, knowing that the end of the world is coming and the energy is escaping. And we're just letting them get away with it."

Our verdict: the song is catchy enough, but it's nothing new from the band.

5/10

Top 20 Arctic Monkeys Top 20s that never were

Just like another music magazine, we absolutely love Arctic Monkeys, and that definitely means that the public does too. 

Alex Turner for Prime Minister, he'd be a lot better than that David Cameron HAHAHA
Image: 'Arctic Monkeys Live @ Viena 2009' http://www.flickr.com/photos/34963697@N04/3706027849

Sometimes we have too many Arctic Monkeys articles to publish without just becoming a tribute website for them which we are not at all, so here are the best 'Top 20' Arctic Monkeys lists we made that we spent hours making but weren't chosen to be one of the 100 we were allowed to publish. These are all really good ideas (none of them are rubbish and there is no way I ran out of inspiration near the end/half way through):

20. Top 20 videos of Arctic Monkeys soundchecks

19. Top 20 Arctic Monkeys cups of tea (by caffeine content)

18. Top 20 pictures of Arctic Monkeys wearing hats

18. Top 20 Arctic Monkeys cups of tea (by number of sugars)

17. Top 20 gigs Arctic Monkeys probably wore shoes at

16. Top 20 times people heard an Arctic Monkeys ringtone on a bus

15. Top 20 videos of Arctic Monkeys removing coats as they entered a building

14. Top 20 Arctic Monkeys cups of tea (by darkness of colour after adding milk)

13. Top 20 pictures of Arctic Monkeys in their houses (from outside a window)

12. Top 20 pictures of Arctic Monkeys in their houses (from behind the sofa)

11. Top 20 times Alex Turner said the word "cake"

10. Top 20 pictures of Alex Turner with wet hair after a shower

9. Top 20 times we corrected an inaccurate Arctic Monkeys lyric

8. Top 20 pairs of ripped jeans worn by Arctic Monkeys

7. Top 20 Arctic Monkeys interviews with one band member missing

6. Top 20 pictures of Arctic Monkeys wearing shoes with no socks

5. Top 20 tweets sent by Arctic Monkeys to fans who were ill

4. Top 20 Arctic Monkeys-inspired YouTube account names

3. Top 20 videos of Arctic Monkeys eating sandwiches

2. Top 20 Arctic Monkeys cups of tea (by particle density)

1. Top 20 journalists Arctic Monkeys have restraining orders for

One Direction: Our Top 5

With the release of their second album, we take a look at our favourite hits so far

One Direction performing early hit 'You Are Tearing Me Apart Lisa', from the soundtrack to 'The Room"
Image: 'One Direction' http://www.flickr.com/photos/76753780@N02/7073562169

One Direction have only released five singles so far (although future hit 'Little Things' will be out soon), which is a perfectly valid reason for any musical website or blog to arrange them into some sort of order and call it a "Top 5", although One Direction are so sexy and dreamy (yet still marketable to a younger 'Disney" audience) that really all of their songs are our favourites.

5. 'More Than This'

This amazing and charming ballad only made it to number 86 on the charts, which is really really bad, even old and practically dead people like Gary Barlow can probably get a higher number than that. Luckily for One Direction, there are still some fans of the song, such as YouTube's own Casey White, who (for real) wrote:

"I'm a guy, and I'm not gay. But 1D honestly is very talented. Whoever doesn't like them does not know good music! :)"

Forty people gave that a thumbs up within 17 hours. 

4. 'Gotta Be You'

In a clever move to target not just teen girls, but also their mothers, One Direction wear a selection of outfits here that could either be from Topman or Marks & Spencer, making dreamboat Harry Styles look really amazing with all his hair, which makes the song good. 

3. 'One Thing'

One thing that makes One Direction so unique and good is that all their songs have really nice melodies that no one has ever heard before ever. 

2. 'Live While We're Young'

When this song was released, some people said the guitar riff sounded quite a lot like a song by The Clash, which was not very nice and made lots of true fans say that was wrong. This was backed up by dreamgoat Harry Styles, who told the BBC that: "It's kind of on purpose though", because as we all know, plagiarism on purpose doesn't count.

1. 'What Makes You Beautiful'

Not just the best song by One Direction, but quite possibly the best song of all time. This completely original hit which doesn't sound like anything else was the single that introduced most of the world to dreamcoat Harry Styles and his friends, who are now so famous that they might even be playing at the White House =/ Please don't steal our One Direction America!!!

Fearne Cotton banned from Radio 1

31 year old presenter is now "too old" to appeal to 15 - 29 age group of target audience

Fearne Cotton (left) in younger years with fellow ageing star Marina (of Diamonds fame) in 2011
Image: 'Fearne & Marina' http://www.flickr.com/photos/26674411@N00/4633019177

Not content with refusing to play "irrelevant" and "really old, like properly ancient" singer Robbie Williams' chart-topping hit 'Candice', Radio 1 have continued their ruthless modernisation of the brand by banning popular DJ Fearne Cotton from being heard on the radio station either, saying she was "no longer relevant" for their target audience of 15 to 15 year olds, and it really has nothing to do with her age, at all.

Although Ms Cotton will remain an employee of the station, and continue to present her weekly radio show in the 10am to 1pm slot, a statement released by producers has revealed that loud feedback and static will be played every time she speaks, in an attempt to hide her old and decrepit voice. 

A trial run of this patent-pending technique on Thursday resulted in a total of just over 78 minutes of the static/feedback combination being played. Most viewers agreed that it was the most intelligent Fearne Cotton has ever sounded, although famous old woman Jo Brand attacked the move for being "sexist and ageist".

Radio 1's current poster boy, 28 year old Nick 'Grimmy' Grimshaw defended the decision, confusingly citing incorrect target audience ages: "I really like Fearne, she is just so absolutely lovely, and we always have a great time when she comes to a party with me and Harry Styles, but I'm just not sure she's who 13 or 14 year olds want to listen to. They have people like One Direction and Adele Jr who they would rather listen to." He then went on to add, in a cheeky yet charmingly disarming way: "Oh, and me of course!"

Nick 'Grimmy' Grimshaw's predecessor Chris Moyles attempted to comment, but as he was almost 40 when he stopped presenting the Radio 1 Breakfast Show, the station refuses to even mention him on air, a scandal which has provoked a campaign from the Daily Mail.

Radio 1 presenter reads out old chart update; no one notices

In an incident that rocked no one the world over, an outdated version of the midweek chart update was read out on BBC Radio One this week.

The update, actually from 10th October, was read out by popular disc jockey Greg James during his regular 4-7 show on Wednesday.

James, an exceedingly tall man, eventually noticed his folly and began apologising on-air, only for his producer to vehemently hush him. Though there seemed to be a moment of confused silence immediately after this, a muffled voice was then heard over the radio-waves. After expert analysis by experts, the voice was revealed to be saying "Quiet, you berk. I think we've gotten away with it". 

Just as no picture of Greg James could be obtained for use in this article, no comment could be obtained from fellow DJ Nick 'Grimmy' Grimshaw Image: 'me and Nick Grimshaw' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/22361207@N03/4125717492

Indeed it was shown that official fun-ruiners Ofcom only received two complaints about the show, both of these relating to a lack of airplay being given to Rihanna's new single "Creamy Buns".

Meanwhile, shit-stirring journalists from the various tabloids of this great nation were out in force asking youths what they thought of the mistake, only for their claims of 'another bungle from the Beeb' to fall on deaf ears:

"But Nicki Minaj and [sister and arch-nemesis] Lady Gaga are in the charts this week! They've got those new singles about doing sex and dancing and stuff!"

"No, I think you've got that wrong, PSY is still number one. Man, I love that song 'HEEEY SEXAY LADAY!!' haha!"

Are just a few select quotes from the multiple 16-25 year olds interviewed, suggesting in no way that the charts are filled with unimaginative and samey dance-pop about risque subjects.

Review: 'Little Things' by One Direction

"A combination of surely all things good that exist, Ed Sheeran has written a song for / 'with' One Direction called 'Little Things', which will be released as the second single from their forthcoming album "Take Me Home" on Monday.

One Direction in colour (pre-Sheeran)
Image: 'one direction 371'
 http://www.flickr.com/photos/29103849@N00/6704958383

The video is shot in faux-artistic black and white, to gently remind you that THIS IS AN ACOUSTIC BALLAD, with all of the members sporting inane, vacant grins that hint at a recent induction into Scientology, or any fucktard religion that requires more money than sense and a set of radioactive-glow teeth.

They all get a shot at singing, which is arse-numbingly lovely, and allows a good chunk of the song to pass by almost completely unnoticed with nothing making any particular impact, until halfway through the second verse when this abominable snowfuck of a voice cunts its way into the song, sounding like a cheese grater has been taken to the vocal chords in a desperate attempt to inject anything into the meaningless singer-songwriter lyrics about loving a girl no matter what she looks like, because One Direction are definitely like that.

The song is so bed-wettingly dull that it can only ever reach people on a subliminal level, meaning horse shit Sheeran-isms such as:

"You can't go to bed without a cup of tea, and maybe that's the reason you talk in your sleep"

will have most listeners rushing to boil the kettle without having a fucking clue why, a faint throbbing pain at the back of their head being the only reminder that any music is playing at all, as their subconscious begs them to pour scalding water into their ears in a semi-hopefull but ultimately fruitless attempt at the escapism of deafness."

said Noel Gallagher. You can form your own opinion by listening to the song below:

Brian May collaborates with bin

Having played live in the past year with My Chemical Romance and Jessie J, as well as recording songs with Lady Gaga and Dappy, Queen guitarist Brian May reclaimed some of his credibility today when he announced the release of a new album that has been written with a bin. 

Jazz bin (on right)
Image: 'bar sixty two
' http://www.flickr.com/photos/91256982@N00/3034518506

Reviews of the album have so far been generally positive, with Pitchfork praising the jazz bin for its unconventional lo-fi swing time contributions, and admiring the release for its artistic merit and development of the guitarist's classic sound. Good reviews are also coming from YouTube users commenting on a live performance of new track "Badgers", performed earlier this year in a London alleyway. 

Feedback hasn't all been positive though, with zany youth channel 4Music running a "Brian May have gone mad HAHAHA" segment, displaying text messages from distressed viewers who had been hoping for more Dappy style material, and likening the "Let's Rock" performer's current appearance to a mad scientist with a number of particularly amusing side-by-side image comparisons. Some viewers did express hope however, at the announcement of a remix of "Badgers" produced by Calvin Harris, which appears on his new album "Club LOLS", released at the end of last month. 

MME was unable to reach Brian May for a comment, but a blog entry on his website "The Sett" about the release of the new album elaborates on the subject, stating: "Badgers."

Brian May on stage. The Queen guitarist is well known for his wildlife conservation efforts, particularly with squirrels
Image: 'Badger strip tail'
 http://www.flickr.com/photos/19367634@N05/3695860386

Stone Roses go for record

Brown during the band's heyday
Image: 'oasis.liam.gallagher.007' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46681560@N00/44256134

The Stone Roses are looking to break the Guiness World Record for most psuedo-Mods in one place next summer at their recently announced Glasgow Green gig.

The band hold the current record, set at their famed 1990 Glasgow Green attended by over 9,000 parka-clad Vespa owners, but singer Ian Brown is thinking far bigger this time around:

"Me and the lads had such a good laugh at that show so we reckoned it only made sense to break our record in the same place, innit. It's been 20 years since the show so me and Reni [Alan Wren, Stone Roses drummer] reckon we can sell about 20 times more tickets or summat"

While the 'Foolish Goal' singer's estimates may be somewhat optimistic, the show's promoters insist they are doing everything in their power to ensure they not only break the previous record but "smash it's back doors in", going on to say that "the only sure-fire way to improve on the last gig is to almost double the amount of people there as well as the cost of tickets"

Jake Bugg: scooter just out of shot
Image: 'Jake Bugg (Komedia)
' http://www.flickr.com/photos/44125159@N06/7243530294

The press release for the shows has also confirmed support from The View, Jake Bugg and Primal Scream. Experts speculate that these additions will only help attract the attention of today's Fred Perry-wearing, RAF symbol-blazoned youth, increasing ticket sales and the likelihood of a successful record attempt.