Radio 1 DJs in puppet scandal

Shocking revelations uncover chain of BBC deceit dating back to the 1970s

Scott Mills, puppeteer's hand out of shot
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bowbrick/6483313703/

Radio 1 listeners described their anguish today as it was revealed that their favourite drive time presenters were in fact characters created by the BBC controllers and portrayed by ventriloquist dummies. 

Suspicions were aroused when a certain Radio 1 'DJ' was seen being handed CDs during a recent appearance at a nightlife hotspot in northern Scotland. Club-goers initially assumed the tracks were being selected for him to play in the same uninspired way he does the Radio 1 playlist, but fears were confirmed when the CD holder's other hand was spotted operating the drive time favourite from beneath the DJ booth. 

Public reaction appears to be largely of despair, with one attendee of the above event shrieking: "I knew the playlist was chosen, but I just can't believe puppets could be capable of such hilarious, clever and yet commercially viable comedy banter!" 

The BBC has announced an inquiry and promises to make amends, but it may be difficult to regain the trust of the Radio 1 listenership, particularly after insult was added to injury this morning when the corporation was forced to admit breakfast king Nick "Grimmy" Grimshaw was created using the Tony Blackburn puppet and adding new hair. 

Fearne Cotton banned from Radio 1

31 year old presenter is now "too old" to appeal to 15 - 29 age group of target audience

Fearne Cotton (left) in younger years with fellow ageing star Marina (of Diamonds fame) in 2011
Image: 'Fearne & Marina' http://www.flickr.com/photos/26674411@N00/4633019177

Not content with refusing to play "irrelevant" and "really old, like properly ancient" singer Robbie Williams' chart-topping hit 'Candice', Radio 1 have continued their ruthless modernisation of the brand by banning popular DJ Fearne Cotton from being heard on the radio station either, saying she was "no longer relevant" for their target audience of 15 to 15 year olds, and it really has nothing to do with her age, at all.

Although Ms Cotton will remain an employee of the station, and continue to present her weekly radio show in the 10am to 1pm slot, a statement released by producers has revealed that loud feedback and static will be played every time she speaks, in an attempt to hide her old and decrepit voice. 

A trial run of this patent-pending technique on Thursday resulted in a total of just over 78 minutes of the static/feedback combination being played. Most viewers agreed that it was the most intelligent Fearne Cotton has ever sounded, although famous old woman Jo Brand attacked the move for being "sexist and ageist".

Radio 1's current poster boy, 28 year old Nick 'Grimmy' Grimshaw defended the decision, confusingly citing incorrect target audience ages: "I really like Fearne, she is just so absolutely lovely, and we always have a great time when she comes to a party with me and Harry Styles, but I'm just not sure she's who 13 or 14 year olds want to listen to. They have people like One Direction and Adele Jr who they would rather listen to." He then went on to add, in a cheeky yet charmingly disarming way: "Oh, and me of course!"

Nick 'Grimmy' Grimshaw's predecessor Chris Moyles attempted to comment, but as he was almost 40 when he stopped presenting the Radio 1 Breakfast Show, the station refuses to even mention him on air, a scandal which has provoked a campaign from the Daily Mail.