Some HILARIOUS music-based jokes

These witticisms are sure to have you rolling on the floor and laughing out loud

Image: 'Crossing Border 2011 - Smith & Burrows' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/8816624@N08/6357781709

Adele walks into a bar. Animal services are called and Adele is taken to a nearby pond.

Leona Lewis walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?". She neighs at him, shits on the floor and begins chewing on a nearby bale of hay.

Liam and Noel Gallagher walk into a bar. They have a pint together despite their differences and NME reporters are left without a soundbite.

Stacey Solomon walks into a bar. The barman says  "Why the long face?". She says "AH DUNNO IT'S JUST THE WAY MA FACE WUZ MADE I GUESS" before smiling confusedly.

Biffy Clyro walk into a bar. The patrons and bar staff immediately evacuate the bar due to the danger of being in such an enclosed space with such a terrible band.

Razorlight's Andy Burrows walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?" He says "I'm so anonymous that at the start of jokes about me the prefix 'Razorlight's' has to be used or else people may not get the reference. Even then it's still not very likely".

What's the difference between Bono and God? One is a singer and one doesn't exist.

Coldplay walk into a bar. They all order pints of beer and the patrons of the bar applaud rapturously, with one being heard saying "Oh, you know, they may not be cool but I really like what Coldplay do" before starting a football chant.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is invited to a fancy dress party where the theme is famous composers. He says "No thanks, this seems like a overly complicated set up to a punchline".

What do a mole and Nicki Minaj have in common? They both have Lady Gaga for a sister, except the mole.

MME Opinions Page: January 2013

A selection of our favourite musical opinions this month.

This is what David Bowie looks like
Image: 'David Bowie' http://www.flickr.com/photos/70945486@N00/252869934

1. Your message is ludicrous and unfound #Unfound

"Seriously. Fuck the bands that now have this ridiculous political/ personal/ moral stance on everything......You two were once an alcohol drinking/ drug taking/ meat eating piece of shit like the rest of us. Don't pretend you are something new......when you're really just doing the "hipster" thing that's fun and trendy. Go ahead and do one. That includes you @Architectsuk You may......make fun music but your message is ludicrous and unfound. didn't realise you had a degree in politics/ economics/ scientific Bsc...Just fuck off and make your music. Wanks." - Music "fan" and member of Stone Roses Iain Brown @IainBrownScot

2. David Bowie releases "Where Are We Now?"

"It's definitely the best thing I've ever heard, Samantha and I rushed out to Woolworths to buy a copy" - Prime Minister David Cameron 

"It's not really relevant to the people of Britain today, I've been listening more to the dubbed step" - Labour leader Ed Miliband

"Seriously. Fuck the bands that now have this ridiculous political/ personal/ moral stance on everything......You two were once an alcohol drinking/ drug taking/ meat eating piece of shit like the rest of us. Don't pretend you are something new......when you're really just doing the "hipster" thing that's fun and trendy. Go ahead and do one. That includes you DAVID BOWIE You may......make fun music but your message is ludicrous and unfound. didn't realise you had a degree in politics/ economics/ scientific Bsc...Just fuck off and make your music. Wanks." - Music "fan" and member of Stone Roses Iain Brown @IainBrownScot

3. Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey make up by viewing Minaj's sex tape

"It's good to have Mariah onside in my battle against my arch-nemesis and twin sister Lady Gaga" - Nicki Minaj

"Brings a whole new meaning to the song "Pound The Alarm", if you know what I mean!" - Mock The Week regular Andy Parsons

"Seriously. Fuck the bands that now have this ridiculous political/ personal/ moral stance on everything......You two were once an alcohol drinking/ drug taking/ meat eating piece of shit like the rest of us. Don't pretend you are something new......when you're really just doing the "hipster" thing that's fun and trendy. Go ahead and do one. That includes you NICKI MINAJ You may......make fun music but your message is ludicrous and unfound. didn't realise you had a degree in politics/ economics/ scientific Bsc...Just fuck off and make your SEX TAPES. Wanks." - Music "fan" and member of Stone Roses Iain Brown @IainBrownScot

Jack White states obvious; garners little attention

Former White Stripes man hits out at the state of music today during recent interview

Jack White in concert, wearing nothing white or stripeyImage: 'Jack White' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/99278318@N00/963441003

In an uninspired attempt to attract media attention after his latest album wasn't heralded as the most influential thing since ever, Jack White (whose album 'Blunderbuss' was released this year) has leapt on the bandwagon of criticising the style over substance approach of modern pop stars. The 'Sticky Thump' singer spoke specifically about Queen of Controversial Things Lady Gaga, making painstakingly evident observations in doing so.

  Describing the disco-stick-riding singer's persona as 'all artifice', White (whose album 'Blunderbuss' was released this year) seemed to be attempting to both mask the patently apparent nature of his comments while endearing himself to the pretentious. However, his plan was foiled when the music media as a whole rolled their eyes, let out a loud "Duh!" and returned to their daily routine of taking bribes from record labels and drinking tea.

'Thermos' flask and new 'Thermos' pitcher, available in
 all good stores and probably out of the boot of Jack White's car
Image: 'Orange & Black Vintage Thermos Flask and+Pitcher+Set' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/42573918@N00/8095538757

   Reaction from the few members of the public that stumbled across the interview, in which White (whose album 'Blunderbuss' was released this year) also talked about the unpredictability of the weather and how 'Thermos' flasks keep hot things hot and cold things cold, was no different. Caitlin Jones, a four ("and a half!") year old girl, had this to say:

"So this guy is saying that Lady Gaga is just putting it on or something? I suppose he's going to break the news that Nicki Minaj is her sister and arch-nemesis any day now..."

   Her dog, a Shih Tzu called Mr Cuddles, declined to comment but did let out what appeared to be a contemptuous sigh.

Christmas songs of 2012: Our Top 5

Christmas spirit is big this year in the music world, with several artists releasing singles to help us all get in the mood. Here are our favourites:

5. Linkin Park - 'Burn The Christmas Pain Falling'

Although the song develops into what Mike Shinoda optimistically calls "an extremely creative and original dubstep tune", it begins with quietly with pained piano chords and the amazingly-nasal voice of Chester Drawers who sings meaningfully:

"Look at what we've caused / The snow covers / The ashes of a world we've left behind"

We emailed Linkin Park in an attempt to clarify the vague-environmentalism in the song, but the reply only told us that: "We expect [the single] to sell well. We don't need websites people don't even visit emailing us to try and make a point."

4. Mumford & Sons - 'Home-Made World-Weary Christmas'

A popular choice at the MME office party, Mumford & Sons once again show just why they are one of the biggest bands right now, with wonderfully harmonised references to wearing cardigans by the fire, presents under the tree, and looking like a cunt.  

3. The xx - 'Xms'

Taking a more solemn approach, The xx use sparse instrumentation and tragically beautiful lyrics to show the pain of being alone at Christmas, a celebration they then cleverly show to be an unnecessary social construct anyway. One of the most innovative acts around.

2. Lady Gaga - 'Christmas Freakk'

As ever with Lady Gaga, much of the song's appeal lies in the video, with her 'Santa is dead' reindeer-burger-infused outfit being one of the most controversial things the singer has done all year. Elsewhere, the song contains several particularly un-festive digs at her sister and arch-nemesis Nicki Minaj.

1. Kate Bush (ft. Stephen Fry) - '50 Words For Snow'

Kate Bush is where music begins, 

Kate Bush is where music ends.
This song was released in 2011,
But it is constantly being released in the present.

Radio 1 presenter reads out old chart update; no one notices

In an incident that rocked no one the world over, an outdated version of the midweek chart update was read out on BBC Radio One this week.

The update, actually from 10th October, was read out by popular disc jockey Greg James during his regular 4-7 show on Wednesday.

James, an exceedingly tall man, eventually noticed his folly and began apologising on-air, only for his producer to vehemently hush him. Though there seemed to be a moment of confused silence immediately after this, a muffled voice was then heard over the radio-waves. After expert analysis by experts, the voice was revealed to be saying "Quiet, you berk. I think we've gotten away with it". 

Just as no picture of Greg James could be obtained for use in this article, no comment could be obtained from fellow DJ Nick 'Grimmy' Grimshaw Image: 'me and Nick Grimshaw' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/22361207@N03/4125717492

Indeed it was shown that official fun-ruiners Ofcom only received two complaints about the show, both of these relating to a lack of airplay being given to Rihanna's new single "Creamy Buns".

Meanwhile, shit-stirring journalists from the various tabloids of this great nation were out in force asking youths what they thought of the mistake, only for their claims of 'another bungle from the Beeb' to fall on deaf ears:

"But Nicki Minaj and [sister and arch-nemesis] Lady Gaga are in the charts this week! They've got those new singles about doing sex and dancing and stuff!"

"No, I think you've got that wrong, PSY is still number one. Man, I love that song 'HEEEY SEXAY LADAY!!' haha!"

Are just a few select quotes from the multiple 16-25 year olds interviewed, suggesting in no way that the charts are filled with unimaginative and samey dance-pop about risque subjects.

Lady Gaga Does A Controversial Thing

Criticism has once again been directed at Lady Gaga after it was confirmed by her agent that she did a controversial thing at her most recent concert. 

Lady Gaga doing a different controversial thing earlier this year
 Image: 'yellitout http://www.flickr.com/photos/59079676@N05/5504078338

The spokeswoman has been quoted as saying: "Lady Gaga is an artist who challenges the norms of society and this controversial thing clearly displays that." This fits in with the earlier pledge of the "Born Like This" singer to do 7 more controversial things before the end of the year, in an attempt to break her personal record of 19.

Fan made videos of the controversial thing have already reached over 3 million views on Youtube although feedback from the comments section has been mixed. Positive remarks include those from Youtube user "littlem0nsterxx", who said: 

"lady gaga is the best musician and singer ever and all the people who dont understand her art when she does a controversial thing liek this are stupid :("

However this has been offset by other users such as "ColdplayAppreciator1" who wrote: 

"Lady Gaga has only done this controversial thing to cover up her lack of creativity or any decent songs. Its clear from the spelling and grammer of her so called fans that there ability to understand good music is non-existant. Grow up and listen to real music."

Whatever side of the debate you pick, it looks like Lady Gaga's controversial things are here to stay, making it harder for Nicki Minaj to claim the Queen of Quirk title from her long lost sister and nemesis.