Rolling Stones make Glastonbury history.

Festival goers literally travel to the past for Saturday headliners

It seems like only yesterday: Ronnie Woods rehearsing for Glastonbury
Image: 'Ron Wood - Rolling Stones' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/79423199@N00/346922514

Last night saw the culmination of 43 years of Glastonbury as the Rolling Stones finally made their debut on the famous Pyramid Stage. "It was just amazing", said a fan. 

Festival organiser Michael Eavis also joined in the praise, saying: "wow, that was really brilliant", adding that the previous four decades of Glastonbury had been but a carefully constructed build up for the Stones' first appearance. 

The obligatory mood of dazed ecstasy also extended to the less likely members of the crowd. One of the few MME interviewees that hadn't entered a comatose state of enjoyment was able to tell us: "so far I've seen Dizzee Rascal and Rita Ora but obviously it's the Rolling Stones I came here for". 

We were also able to catch up with Radio 1 breakfast DJ Nick "Grimmy" Grimshaw who told us that although he was disappointed they left 'Moves like Jagger' out of the setlist, the Rolling Stones were still "so good" and "such cool guys to hang out with, as I was just saying to my friend Harry Styles". 

Radio 1 DJs in puppet scandal

Shocking revelations uncover chain of BBC deceit dating back to the 1970s

Scott Mills, puppeteer's hand out of shot
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bowbrick/6483313703/

Radio 1 listeners described their anguish today as it was revealed that their favourite drive time presenters were in fact characters created by the BBC controllers and portrayed by ventriloquist dummies. 

Suspicions were aroused when a certain Radio 1 'DJ' was seen being handed CDs during a recent appearance at a nightlife hotspot in northern Scotland. Club-goers initially assumed the tracks were being selected for him to play in the same uninspired way he does the Radio 1 playlist, but fears were confirmed when the CD holder's other hand was spotted operating the drive time favourite from beneath the DJ booth. 

Public reaction appears to be largely of despair, with one attendee of the above event shrieking: "I knew the playlist was chosen, but I just can't believe puppets could be capable of such hilarious, clever and yet commercially viable comedy banter!" 

The BBC has announced an inquiry and promises to make amends, but it may be difficult to regain the trust of the Radio 1 listenership, particularly after insult was added to injury this morning when the corporation was forced to admit breakfast king Nick "Grimmy" Grimshaw was created using the Tony Blackburn puppet and adding new hair. 

Stone Roses confirm new songs; North of England explodes

Band announcement causes chain reaction of 'Britpop fan combustion'

John Squire, guitarist of the enormously-hyped Stone Roses, got more than he bargained for when he confirmed his band had written "a few new songs".

The Heads of fans of the 'I Want To Be A Doll' performers were said to have begun 'inflating uncontrollably' when Squire made the announcement. A vast majority of the fans eventually exploded, covering anything in a twenty metre radius in blood and brain fragments.

All Their Fault: The Stone Roses
Image: 'The Stone Roses' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/31296144@N06/7758821930

Asked about why this peculiarity is occurring, MME was told exclusively by Dr David Cunningham MBChB (find him on twitter at @DrCunnTroon) that it was a serious case of 'Britpopnea', a rare condition in which blood flow out of the brain is restricted by overwhelming feelings of nostalgia for music from the 90s. He went on to explain that this causes a "dramatic increase in pressure that eventually becomes too much and BAZINGA! The head explodes".

The condition is linked to 'Beatlemania', which swept the world in the 60s. Although never fully cured, it was brought under control with introduction of the Yoko Ono vaccine in 1970.

But really, it's your fault if you're a fan of the Stone Roses
Image: 'ATR fans' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/28328732@N00/4848597995

The mass outbreak of 'Britpopnea' has decimated the population of many of the major cities of the North of England, with Manchester, Liverpool and Sheffield's emergency services reporting as few as 50 survivors cumulatively. While most of the survivors were said to be 'newborn babies safely out of distance of any explosions', it has been reported that Liam Gallagher is also among the survivors. Asked about his opinion on the disaster, Mr Gallagher was quoted as saying "Bag of sh#*e, innit? The Stone Roses weren't even any good, like. I could've written their songs in an hour. Beady Eye's the only good band about right now, nobody needs old w%@k like that".

NME's offices in central London experienced a similar death toll, with all journalists, editors and photographers being wiped out. Detailed reports show that only the summer interns remained alive, citing 'having not been born when anyone cared about the Stone Roses' and 'being sent out to Starbucks when everyone started exploding' as key to their survival. Top scientists in the field of science believe this to be a crucial lead in finding a cure.

Stone Roses to headline Coachella; Americans bewildered

Trouble stirs stateside as festival goers question band's selection

Darlings of northern England and the offices of NME The Stone Roses are set to headline the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival this April. 

The announcement came as a particular surprise to almost all of the would-be attendees of the California festival, as no one outside of the United Kingdom is even remotely aware of who they actually are.

The Stone Roses in their heyday. The Who? No, the Stone Roses.
 Yeah, but the Who? Noooo, the Stone Roses!
Image: 'The Stone Roses - Unknown Album' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/96301288@N00/74404138

The resulting outburst from the American public could be seen all over the twittersphere, the facebookworld and the beboglobo,  with the most common comment made across all the social networks being "Who the fuck are the Stone Roses?!?!?!?!". This was closely followed by "isn't Ian Brown that guy who had that bizarre rant about integrity in modern music?" and "I thought Brit pop was what the Spice Girls did..."

Paul Tollett, founder of the festival, in turn seemed puzzled at the fan reaction to this booking when addressing the media. "After the phone calls I had with the band's management, I was beyond excited to reveal that we had them confirmed to head the bill. From what they were telling me, these guys seem to be a pretty big deal. Hang on while I phone them back up to prove it to you!". Mr Tollett proceeded to call the Stone Roses' management team, but all that could be heard when they eventually picked up was the sound of muffled laughter and what sounded like a male voice shouting "fookin' 'ave it large!" in a terrible Manc accent. At this point, Tollett hung up the phone and became very quiet for a while before leaving the room without answering further questions.

Speculation that Mr Tollett was tricked into booking the band in order to tarnish Coachella's reputation is rife, with many believing it to be retribution for America's tireless efforts in promoting Pitbull as a legitimate musician.

Hey Paul! You're a Tollett!
Image: 'MarknSteve' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/61414741@N00/3451505484

As a result of these suspicions, President Obama has ordered for more stringent measures to be taken in order to prevent another such act of "musical terrorism", deploying CIA operatives to accompany organisers of prestigious events, such as Austin's upcoming South By South West, when meeting bands and their management. Additional security details have also been assigned to the nation's major airports and shipping ports to intercept any potential British threats to American musical sensibilities.

 

Breaking News 2023: Amazon goes into administration

News has reached MME that online retailer Amazon has gone into administration this morning, with most leading experts and industry commentators agreeing that they simply failed to adapt to the times, with public opinion polling clearly showing that paying for music, film or anything creative is now a hugely outdated concept. 

Amazon HQ in Sector 16
By Horia Varlan

Amazon's downfall marks another victory for The Cloud, now the only way to access music or film over the internet. It will also be the final nail in the coffin for many musicians, after the live industry collapsed two years ago due to advancements in 3D mobile filming and streaming, leaving many fans choosing to stay at home and watch for free. 

It's not all doom and gloom for the music industry though, with Reading and Leeds announcing bionic pop star Rihanna as this year's headliner, with holograms of her performance last year playing on the second stage. Other acts announced include Mumford & Sons who will perform songs from their new album 'Sigh No More XII' and Skrillex, who last month launched his "DJ Everywhere" company after surrendering himself completely to technology and uploading himself to the internet.

A statement issued by The Cloud's leading AI model Mark Zuckerberg said that, if anything, the result will be good for the music business as: "Now all music will be in the one place, along with all your pictures, favourite films and personal information. It's easier than ever to connect with your friends and really get to know them!" The music in one place comment is particularly true, after The Cloud bought all patents to CD, tape, and vinyl players and immediately shut down all production. 

With overwhelming evidence from industry experts, financial advisors and The Cloud itself (Gigabyte protect us), it seems that letting Amazon die is a thing we should just definitely allow to happen and not bother trying to stop at all. 

Muse and Biffy Clyro start feud over Scottish independence

Things in the rock world get ugly as the bands take opposites sides over the referendum

The scene of the brawl in Edinburgh today

Two of Britain's biggest bands today sparked fears of nationwide fan violence after they started fighting over the issue of Scottish independence. Biffy Clyro's new album 'Opposhits' is said to be the cause of the initial aggression, with lyrics on pro-independence song 'Imagiwank' going: "Don't worry baby / We'll break apart / Escape the English / Explode their hearts / Woo woo woo woo yeah woo woo independence".

On hearing the song, Muse's Matt Bellamy took to twitter to accuse 'the Biff' of being part of an SNP conspiracy, as well as personally attacking the band (scroll down to see a selection of his tweets). Biffy singer Neil Simon retaliated by charging down Edinburgh's Royal Mile with a glass bottle of Irn-Bru and engaging Muse in open battle. Muse fought valiantly, constructing catapults from drum sticks and firing Matt Bellamy's 376 guitar pedals at the enemy, but the sheer size and scale of overproduction on Biffy's album was too overwhelming, with last-man-standing Muse drummer Dom Howard finally being brought down by a brutal 20 second multi-tracked "woah". 

To avoid civilian deaths, and in an attempt to settle the issue, it is understood that Muse alcoholic Chris Wolstenhome has given up sobriety to challenge his boozy Biffy counterpart Ben Johnston to a drinking competition. The other two members of each band are playing their part by signing up to a tornado tag match at WWE's upcoming Summer Slam event. 

Just like the independence referendum itself, the outcome of these challenges are uncertain, although everyone can agree that Muse's album was a lot better. 

Some of Matt Bellamy's tweets:

Photo credit to Léa Reviron

Some HILARIOUS music-based jokes

These witticisms are sure to have you rolling on the floor and laughing out loud

Image: 'Crossing Border 2011 - Smith & Burrows' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/8816624@N08/6357781709

Adele walks into a bar. Animal services are called and Adele is taken to a nearby pond.

Leona Lewis walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?". She neighs at him, shits on the floor and begins chewing on a nearby bale of hay.

Liam and Noel Gallagher walk into a bar. They have a pint together despite their differences and NME reporters are left without a soundbite.

Stacey Solomon walks into a bar. The barman says  "Why the long face?". She says "AH DUNNO IT'S JUST THE WAY MA FACE WUZ MADE I GUESS" before smiling confusedly.

Biffy Clyro walk into a bar. The patrons and bar staff immediately evacuate the bar due to the danger of being in such an enclosed space with such a terrible band.

Razorlight's Andy Burrows walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?" He says "I'm so anonymous that at the start of jokes about me the prefix 'Razorlight's' has to be used or else people may not get the reference. Even then it's still not very likely".

What's the difference between Bono and God? One is a singer and one doesn't exist.

Coldplay walk into a bar. They all order pints of beer and the patrons of the bar applaud rapturously, with one being heard saying "Oh, you know, they may not be cool but I really like what Coldplay do" before starting a football chant.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is invited to a fancy dress party where the theme is famous composers. He says "No thanks, this seems like a overly complicated set up to a punchline".

What do a mole and Nicki Minaj have in common? They both have Lady Gaga for a sister, except the mole.