Paul McCartney continues mid-life tirade; forgets who he is

Former Beatle "starts" grunge band with friends in longstanding effort to feel young again

Adoring fans cheer 'Macca' after his bloody disposal of a stage rusher

Image: 'Oh Yeah! Paul McCartney first time visit to Uruguay!

 | ON THE RUN+-+South+America+Tour+2012+|+120416-9769-jikatu' 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/7221539@N06/7083031415

Doddery old man Paul McCartney has ticked another box on his 'list of things to ward off thinking about my inevitable demise' by forming a new band.

The band will consist of the 'Elaine Rugby' singer and "mates Dave and Krist" and are due to start practicing imminently in his garage. McCartney was quoted as saying he wants "to experiment with his normal musical output, maybe put out something grungey" in a recent interview with the band, at which point his bandmates shot each other worried looks. Unaware of their concern 'Macca' added to this, saying they had already written a song he tentatively titled 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' and were working on a few more.

During one of McCartney's frequent toilet breaks during the interview, drummer and 'Nicest Man in Rock' Dave voiced concern over the 'Band On The Run' singer's current state of mind:

"It's strange, he keeps asking us where Courtney is and goes on and on about how the Beatles were such a big influence on his music." 

At this point bassist and exceedingly tall man Krist chimed in, saying "that last one gets really weird in interviews... Honestly I don't think he knows what's going on most of the time".

McCartney returned but soon had to leave, stating he "had to dash off to buy an ill-fitting cardigan before a meeting with Sub Pop Records".

Jack White states obvious; garners little attention

Former White Stripes man hits out at the state of music today during recent interview

Jack White in concert, wearing nothing white or stripeyImage: 'Jack White' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/99278318@N00/963441003

In an uninspired attempt to attract media attention after his latest album wasn't heralded as the most influential thing since ever, Jack White (whose album 'Blunderbuss' was released this year) has leapt on the bandwagon of criticising the style over substance approach of modern pop stars. The 'Sticky Thump' singer spoke specifically about Queen of Controversial Things Lady Gaga, making painstakingly evident observations in doing so.

  Describing the disco-stick-riding singer's persona as 'all artifice', White (whose album 'Blunderbuss' was released this year) seemed to be attempting to both mask the patently apparent nature of his comments while endearing himself to the pretentious. However, his plan was foiled when the music media as a whole rolled their eyes, let out a loud "Duh!" and returned to their daily routine of taking bribes from record labels and drinking tea.

'Thermos' flask and new 'Thermos' pitcher, available in
 all good stores and probably out of the boot of Jack White's car
Image: 'Orange & Black Vintage Thermos Flask and+Pitcher+Set' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/42573918@N00/8095538757

   Reaction from the few members of the public that stumbled across the interview, in which White (whose album 'Blunderbuss' was released this year) also talked about the unpredictability of the weather and how 'Thermos' flasks keep hot things hot and cold things cold, was no different. Caitlin Jones, a four ("and a half!") year old girl, had this to say:

"So this guy is saying that Lady Gaga is just putting it on or something? I suppose he's going to break the news that Nicki Minaj is her sister and arch-nemesis any day now..."

   Her dog, a Shih Tzu called Mr Cuddles, declined to comment but did let out what appeared to be a contemptuous sigh.

Christmas songs of 2012: Our Top 5

Christmas spirit is big this year in the music world, with several artists releasing singles to help us all get in the mood. Here are our favourites:

5. Linkin Park - 'Burn The Christmas Pain Falling'

Although the song develops into what Mike Shinoda optimistically calls "an extremely creative and original dubstep tune", it begins with quietly with pained piano chords and the amazingly-nasal voice of Chester Drawers who sings meaningfully:

"Look at what we've caused / The snow covers / The ashes of a world we've left behind"

We emailed Linkin Park in an attempt to clarify the vague-environmentalism in the song, but the reply only told us that: "We expect [the single] to sell well. We don't need websites people don't even visit emailing us to try and make a point."

4. Mumford & Sons - 'Home-Made World-Weary Christmas'

A popular choice at the MME office party, Mumford & Sons once again show just why they are one of the biggest bands right now, with wonderfully harmonised references to wearing cardigans by the fire, presents under the tree, and looking like a cunt.  

3. The xx - 'Xms'

Taking a more solemn approach, The xx use sparse instrumentation and tragically beautiful lyrics to show the pain of being alone at Christmas, a celebration they then cleverly show to be an unnecessary social construct anyway. One of the most innovative acts around.

2. Lady Gaga - 'Christmas Freakk'

As ever with Lady Gaga, much of the song's appeal lies in the video, with her 'Santa is dead' reindeer-burger-infused outfit being one of the most controversial things the singer has done all year. Elsewhere, the song contains several particularly un-festive digs at her sister and arch-nemesis Nicki Minaj.

1. Kate Bush (ft. Stephen Fry) - '50 Words For Snow'

Kate Bush is where music begins, 

Kate Bush is where music ends.
This song was released in 2011,
But it is constantly being released in the present.

A Christmas Miracle: Dave Grohl

On a dark winter's night in Warren, Ohio,

A baby was born, but he did not cry! Oh

For he learned to sing before he could talk,

The baby, Dave Grohl, the saviour of rock.

Anon, traditional folk song

The story of the end of Nirvana is well known, as is Dave Grohl's subsequent reincarnation and ascension to the 'Nicest Man in Rock'. For almost two decades we have enjoyed the nice music of the Foo Fighters with its predictable solidity and bland magnificence. But what of the great man's origins? Well maybe there is a Christmas story for us...