Stone Roses to headline Coachella; Americans bewildered

Trouble stirs stateside as festival goers question band's selection

Darlings of northern England and the offices of NME The Stone Roses are set to headline the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival this April. 

The announcement came as a particular surprise to almost all of the would-be attendees of the California festival, as no one outside of the United Kingdom is even remotely aware of who they actually are.

The Stone Roses in their heyday. The Who? No, the Stone Roses.
 Yeah, but the Who? Noooo, the Stone Roses!
Image: 'The Stone Roses - Unknown Album' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/96301288@N00/74404138

The resulting outburst from the American public could be seen all over the twittersphere, the facebookworld and the beboglobo,  with the most common comment made across all the social networks being "Who the fuck are the Stone Roses?!?!?!?!". This was closely followed by "isn't Ian Brown that guy who had that bizarre rant about integrity in modern music?" and "I thought Brit pop was what the Spice Girls did..."

Paul Tollett, founder of the festival, in turn seemed puzzled at the fan reaction to this booking when addressing the media. "After the phone calls I had with the band's management, I was beyond excited to reveal that we had them confirmed to head the bill. From what they were telling me, these guys seem to be a pretty big deal. Hang on while I phone them back up to prove it to you!". Mr Tollett proceeded to call the Stone Roses' management team, but all that could be heard when they eventually picked up was the sound of muffled laughter and what sounded like a male voice shouting "fookin' 'ave it large!" in a terrible Manc accent. At this point, Tollett hung up the phone and became very quiet for a while before leaving the room without answering further questions.

Speculation that Mr Tollett was tricked into booking the band in order to tarnish Coachella's reputation is rife, with many believing it to be retribution for America's tireless efforts in promoting Pitbull as a legitimate musician.

Hey Paul! You're a Tollett!
Image: 'MarknSteve' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/61414741@N00/3451505484

As a result of these suspicions, President Obama has ordered for more stringent measures to be taken in order to prevent another such act of "musical terrorism", deploying CIA operatives to accompany organisers of prestigious events, such as Austin's upcoming South By South West, when meeting bands and their management. Additional security details have also been assigned to the nation's major airports and shipping ports to intercept any potential British threats to American musical sensibilities.