Stone Roses confirm new songs; North of England explodes

Band announcement causes chain reaction of 'Britpop fan combustion'

John Squire, guitarist of the enormously-hyped Stone Roses, got more than he bargained for when he confirmed his band had written "a few new songs".

The Heads of fans of the 'I Want To Be A Doll' performers were said to have begun 'inflating uncontrollably' when Squire made the announcement. A vast majority of the fans eventually exploded, covering anything in a twenty metre radius in blood and brain fragments.

All Their Fault: The Stone Roses
Image: 'The Stone Roses' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/31296144@N06/7758821930

Asked about why this peculiarity is occurring, MME was told exclusively by Dr David Cunningham MBChB (find him on twitter at @DrCunnTroon) that it was a serious case of 'Britpopnea', a rare condition in which blood flow out of the brain is restricted by overwhelming feelings of nostalgia for music from the 90s. He went on to explain that this causes a "dramatic increase in pressure that eventually becomes too much and BAZINGA! The head explodes".

The condition is linked to 'Beatlemania', which swept the world in the 60s. Although never fully cured, it was brought under control with introduction of the Yoko Ono vaccine in 1970.

But really, it's your fault if you're a fan of the Stone Roses
Image: 'ATR fans' 
http://www.flickr.com/photos/28328732@N00/4848597995

The mass outbreak of 'Britpopnea' has decimated the population of many of the major cities of the North of England, with Manchester, Liverpool and Sheffield's emergency services reporting as few as 50 survivors cumulatively. While most of the survivors were said to be 'newborn babies safely out of distance of any explosions', it has been reported that Liam Gallagher is also among the survivors. Asked about his opinion on the disaster, Mr Gallagher was quoted as saying "Bag of sh#*e, innit? The Stone Roses weren't even any good, like. I could've written their songs in an hour. Beady Eye's the only good band about right now, nobody needs old w%@k like that".

NME's offices in central London experienced a similar death toll, with all journalists, editors and photographers being wiped out. Detailed reports show that only the summer interns remained alive, citing 'having not been born when anyone cared about the Stone Roses' and 'being sent out to Starbucks when everyone started exploding' as key to their survival. Top scientists in the field of science believe this to be a crucial lead in finding a cure.